I Wanna Be Adored

What is the point of winning the whole world when you simultaneously lose yourself?

This month, the streets were filled with shiny happy young people ready to conquer the world. I became nostalgic and started to think about how it was when i graduated from high school. Leaving the school behind, walking together with my classmates down to the park where my beloved family greeted me with a sign and a large photo which pictured me as a kid smiling while wearing some kind of Viking helmet. I was happily surprised because I did not even know that photo existed.

I left home at age of 19 in August 2002. Too early? Hard to say. Sometimes you have to make life-determinant choices and I remember a strong desire for a new life in a new city with the opportunity to study something I really wanted.

My early time at Lund University was very overwhelming, but in a good way. The studies went brilliant and the combination of party-happy course mates, a flexible schedule and money in the form of student loans gave me a taste for the student life. I thought I had found the perfect balance between late nights out and long full days of studying on my own. In retrospect, I do not understand how I managed to keep up with everything.
Very good results on the two exams in my first semester gave me confidence about my studies. At that moment, I was offered a position in an ideal organisation. I felt flattered and said yes. It was a good learning experience but something I regret today, not so much for the position itself, but more for what it led to.

In summer 2003 I had passed all exams in my first academic year on the first attempt. That summer I worked far too much. The money gave me a nice fall from an economic perspective, but it was not worth it. I did not know back then. Instead my ego was fed even more when I realised I was the youngest one out of thirty active students at the student union's kick-off in the beginning of my third semester. Later in the fall, I accepted the position as President in another ideal organisation. This was a time-consuming commitment, but I never thought about the possibility to give up my position in the other ideal organisation. I spent that winter holiday in the Alps. It was somehow symptomatic of my first two academic years which were characterized by a personal desire to be everywhere and also a difficulty to say no, although I would never admit it then. Always good, preferably better and everything simultaneously. I forgot to sleep, eat and rest properly. It had worked before, so I saw no problem with that lifestyle then.

August 2004. A basic course in the end of my second academic year broke me. In my opinion I had prepared myself properly, but I was nowhere near passing the re-exam. For the first time ever, I got zero points on more than one essay question. I was extremely disappointed because I thought I was prepared, but two weeks with ten hour study days were not enough. The summer before that? Full time job.
I lost my confidence and that is dangerous for a person in a condition with great difficulty to distinguish between study, commitment in ideal organisations and leisure time. I was struggling with my studies and then things changed that were central in my life. I will not go into detail on this, but it did not make life easier to live. On the contrary, I was sad almost every morning because it was just another day. I was very fragile.

To make a long story short (by my standards, then, of course), I decided to move home in November 2006 and temporarily give up the University. It may have been my best decision since I decided to move to Lund. I have learned a lot about life during my time in Lund, and now I know what life is not about. That experience is worth every Swedish crown I have in student loan debt. Today I know that the verdict good often is enough as long as I do my best.

The quote at the beginning is taken from a column in the magazine IQ Student which I read by chance. A girl who studied journalism in Kalmar told how she perished by external demands and stressed the importance of not losing oneself. I recognized myself so strongly that I was inspired to write this post as self-therapy.

Last Thursday, I did a re-exam. That exam which broke me. How did it go? I passed with distinction! Wonderful!

Life is still a complicated project but I am working on it. I am a human and I need to be loved, but not at any cost.